About two months ago I fell into a downswing. It was really fucked up. I was really lethargic. I forgot what I was saying mid-sentence. I felt like an idiot. I fucking hate feeling that way. Two weekends ago one of my best friends, Gabe, came up to Portland from SF. He's one of the most cerebral people I've ever met. He's basically autistic that way. He can talk about emotions but he doesn't 'use' them when he talks. When I'm manic I play off him really well. Knowing he was coming up I did an experiment where I went off Risperdal the night before. By the time he arrived I was feeling really manic, a feeling I hadn't had in a long time. After he arrived we went to my favorite bar and talked, but when we got home things started to really cook and we talked for four more hours, till 5 a.m.. I felt incredible talking to him, so many ideas, so many things to discuss. I could put my emotions into any idea I had, violently. I stayed this way throughout the weekend, and our conversations were amazing. He left on Sunday and on Monday I returned to 'work' (I record music) and I realized immediately that the manic mindset did not work around people where my primary communication with them was about emotions, to talk about my emotions and other people's emotions (as in responses to music), as if they were physical things. I started taking Risperdal again and things restored, but I felt really sad at my departure from mania. I think as long as I don't have to talk <about> my emotions, and talk to people about their emotions, I could just stay in a manic state and talk about ideas. It pisses me off that I have to live in a world where emotions are the end all be all essence of human experience. I hate how petty most people's interactions with their emotions are even though they base their life around them. I feel like, as a primarily manic person, my emotions change from minute to minute, and it just seems like to talk about them is totally pointless because I'm going to feel several different ways throughout the course of a conversation. When I was 16 I took acid in tiny tiny portions to disassociate myself from my emotions (before I was diagnosed as bipolar). I remember feeling really smart back then. My family thought I was a genius. I don't know what I'm saying here but I guess it's about being frustrated with living in an emotion-centric world when I feel I don't really have a place in that world. I wish I could just talk with smart friends about ideas.
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Portland
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Re: like mania?
Fri, August 24, 2007 - 7:10 AMHi Nicholas. I want to address emotions. I have been BP for about 30 years now, but just got a clue about BP when my emotions took over my mind and BP went into overdrive. Before this time, I actually felt that I could control the BP, but know now that sometimes the BP controls me. In a nutshell, my husband of 18 years killed himself. The second I got the call from the hospital, my mind took me to the highest Mania I have ever experienced. I have little memory of this time period, and have had to rely on the bits and pieces I do remember and from what my family and friends tell me about my reactions. I remember feeling "free" for the first time in my life. I can't describe what it feels like to be free, except that my emotions left me and I was able to experience life without a care in the world. All the struggle and sorrow and pain was gone for a brief time and I was able to transcend this world and pass over to another place. This period lasted for 3 days, until the funeral when the VFW fired their guns (my husband was a veteran) and those shots woke me up and plunged me back into this world. For the next 5 months I was manic and did many things that I accept now, but could have caused me lifelong sorrow. Then the crash came and I spent the next year in deep depression, a stay in the hospital and too much sleep and self-reflection. I am on the other side now, as it has been almost two years and I can say that I am a different person. I accept the BP now and don't fight it. I take my meds. I research and study BP and draw my own conclusions. The bitch about this is that while I am "balanced" and not on either end, I miss the highs and long to experience the Peace and Freedom I found at the top. I don't miss the bottom however, and am willing to work to stay in the middle to stay out of the pits of hell. That description sounds emotional, doesn't it? However, for those of us who have spent time there, I dare say it is an accurate description. I think the whole point of this post is to say that I have found that I can go through a critical incident, even with my mental illness, and survive. The whole experience helped me to understand my BP and accept it. While I wouldn't wish this experience for anyone, I just wanted to write my story out and maybe it will strike a chord. But then again, maybe not. Keep passing the open windows - Debra -
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Re: like mania?
Fri, August 24, 2007 - 9:41 PMNicholas it sounds like the type of mania during which so many artists have done some of thier best work. I wouldn't recommend going off meds because I forget to take mine and sometimes it turns out really bad. I still get those highs even if I am on stupid pills. Lamictal has kept me stable but the angst and anxiety seems to never go away despite serequil and Kolonopin.
I would probabaly listen to the person who posted before me, it sounds like it makes more sense. -
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Initiation ceremonies for the crazed and bipolar
Tue, October 30, 2007 - 8:22 PMSee... tinyurl.com/32rtpj
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Re: like mania?
Fri, March 14, 2008 - 10:23 PMI think thats why I am in denial about my BP... the mania is the greatest part... I can die happy this way but the downswing... gosh... dying is the easy part. But can anyone tell me... are these racing thoughts a part of it too.. I wish I can have one solid thought or idea for just 5 minutes... they race and run in to each other everything in my head moves so damn fast... I'm irritable, cant sit still and I wonder if this is really ADD and not BP -
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Re: like mania?
Sat, March 15, 2008 - 12:39 PMI can not say how much I identify with some of the things that have been posted on this discussion topic....
The last time I was truely Manic was triggered by a few different health issues both in myself and my youngest son... I litterely started taking on a different persona, was compleatly care free to an absurd degree, had over extended myself in about 20 different directions whil being a full time student, mother of 3, wife to demanding child-man, and Doula/Birth Assistant. I was convinced that God (an entity with which I had realy not felt a conection to prior to the mania or since treatment began) was reaching out to me through music, color, taste, smell, and touch! I actualy wrote a childrens story about the persona I had taken on... creating an alter universe, with a whole cast of characters (who were actualy based loosely on the people around me at the time)... and racing thoughts.... well ever since I was oooooooooooooooooh I think 12 years old, my little mind has been on overdrive... I have definite learning disabilities, and did poorly throughout my early education and high school.... but as an adult, on meds I managed to be abl to slow my mind enough to be able to pull off a 4.0 for three semesters in a row... before I had another burn out.... and yes.... even with meds I have my ups and downs.... not as sevear as without meds... but they are present non the less... my husband seems to think that on top of being a theatricaly hearted, creative, moody, recovered addict (alcoholic and pothead), premenopaus (still facing monthly demons called hormones), bisexual, bipolar, woman w/PTSD.... I am addicted to emotions... thus earning the title of Drama Diva!... I want to say that he has no idea what he is talking about and be defensive... but to be honest.... after having lived the first 30 years of my life on an unmedicated hurricain/tornado/sunami/rollercoaster ride I believe that I have become addicted to my emotional ups and downs.... the meds are hard for me because I dont realy know how to function without those daily ups and downs...they are a "normal" part of my life.... even if they arent normal! The meds definatly dumb down my creativity and energy levels.... and sometimes I wonder if I am not teatering on the boarder of depression.... but some of that could be situational as well as psychological. All I know is that I truly know nothing... I have become so misstrusting of my own perseptions of life that I don't trust most thoughts that run through my head... and I start to second guess everything in my life, every relationship I ave ever had, and the ones that I am currently in... and I wonder how much of the picture I am not seeing because I am too distracted with the running dialogue of self hate, lack of trust, denial, and pessamisum that runns through my mind... I am at a constant battle to try to persuaide myself that those feelings and emoptions are missplaced baggage... but I feel like I am running a loosing battle. Even with my meds I feel like running away and hidding under a rock. My relationship ith my husband is difficult at best for me...but because of the weight of responsability I carry as a parent I can't check out in any way shape or form.... not mentaly, emotionaly, or physically... and so my daily life right now is about keeping my head above water and "staying in the room" (relationship)... for the sake of "everybody" involved... but I often question the effect that my relationships actualy have on my mental health... and how much of my misperseption is actual misperseption as apposed to how much of it is on target... but I am being told that it's off and ascue. And as for sex... well... definatly the best when manic... least inhibited, most kinky, most playful, longest stamina, most internal vivid visual fantasys, adrenalin seeking, thrill seeking, open minded, willing to try... almost anything at least once... adventurouse, outgoing, risky at times, flirtatiouse, prone to be strongly attracted to particular individuals (who in the long run turn out to be either cranky old bastards, or truly CRAZY women (and I'm consided crazy so take it with a grain of salt) .... BUT when the mania is gone well,... lack of drive, lack of labidoe, lack of interest, cranky when poked at or touched by significant other, every flaw is magnified both in myself and my lover, exhausted, and basicaly not interested in any physical touching... no huggs, no kisses, even holding hands makes me feel trapped and antsy. I am sure that some of this is from childhood trauma and issues having to do with parents and intimacy.... especially where it comes to men... but it still just messes with me... and it comes and goes throughout my life... to the point where I have given my realy frisky gir part of me a different name... because she is everthing that I wish that I could be... and she is some things that I am glad I am not! Thus I am Inanna (pen name durring "normal states") and Ruby (durring "manic states")... I have not named my depressed self... but the last real mania I went off on I began to become a space cowgirl named Sally Ride. I know that I am not a split personality... but by giving these parts of me an identity it is helping me be able to determine when one state of being or another is starting to take center stage or be more prevalent. I know then I am care free (Sally Ride) that I have left the planet, I know that when I am lust and overlyadventurous sexualy (Ruby) that I need to pull back on the reigns and become a little more colected, and when I feel like I need to withdrawl into myself and not share (?no name?) that I need to open up and start talking and accepting other peoples help/affection.
Okay so I'm rambling now.... hope that someone can identify with some of this...
as of late I have been realy lost... and the "unnamed one" has been most prevalent in my daily life.
I'm quick to tears, feel like I'm drowning in a pool of saline, my heart hurts to the very depths of my soul, I feel alone in a room full of people, and lost in a world that I should be used to. -
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Re: like mania?
Sun, March 16, 2008 - 7:54 AMI can definitely relate... especially the racing thoughts.... my imagination is extremely vivid so much so I write it out in a book so I can know the difference... I have conversations in my head, a whole little universe of other worldly thoughts that drive me insane.... bordering on OCD...my energy level is so high I can't sit still or even sleep for that matter... I'll feel exhausted but my mind races so much that I stay up my mind is never tired.... thats my biggest issue. -
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Re: like mania?
Mon, March 17, 2008 - 6:34 AMThis is what I told my ex-shrink (God, I'm having a hard time finding a good shrink...):
When I'm depressed, I hurt myself. When I'm manic, I hurt everybody else...and that is probably the only thing that keeps me from relaxing on my meds. When I'm tempted to initiate mania, I look back on some of the seriously fucked-up manic things I've done in the past and how it hurt the people I love and that pretty much sends me to the Lamictal.
...and summer is rapidly approaching, which is my personal danger zone. Luckily (?) I'll be recovering from surgery which should (hopefully) keep me out of trouble.
Mania can be fun, it can even be productive, but it's not worth it. The worst things I've ever done have been when I was full-blown manic.
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Re: like mania?
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 3:09 PMi completely identify with this.
when i first began having manic periods, i coined my alter ego "jomega". the name came to me very vividly in a dream. it comes from "omega", the last letter in the greek alphabet that also looks somewhat like the symbol for my sign, leo. it's also semi-biblical, as i was raised in a christian household had attended church up until the age of 27. "alpha and omega... the beginning and the end". jomega was the end of all that was the mundane, unhappy, downcast me. she was the end of all that i'd previously known as myself. she was the beginning of something entirely new, a being who existed partially on other planes, who communicated directly with spirit, an insanely creative being with boundless energy and limitless ideas. i thought/think of her as my highest self.
after that, i seemed to split even more. i took on another persona, called "miss g". she was the teacher me. the one that followed the rules. the bookish classroom teacher who dressed in skirts, a tight bun, and glasses. she was the one who attended church on sundays, didn't drink, didn't do any drugs. the good girl. the one that often got that "holier than thou" complex, thinking she was so much better off with her "natural highs" than those around her who partook of other things. i think she took root in me at a very young age, as i grew up with a preacher father and friends who were very straight laced.
my third and final character i called "the brat". straight up. it's pretty easy to guess what this girl was like. super super bratty. dramatic, and NOT in a good way. always pushing the rules, always speaking before thinking, always acting before considering consequences. i think i had lots of fun as this character, but it was often the harmful type of fun. the brat was the one who'd drink 'til passing out, pop pills three nights a week, smoke copious amounts of weed. the brat was the one challenging boys in city streets to rap battles, then freestyling like mad right in their faces, little rants complete with low blows and cruel rhyming comments.
life was a bit strange for me. i had separate livejournals for each character, and altho i've never been diagnosed with a personality disorder, i think i was coming close to creating one for myself with my fragmented way of being.
in a way, these alter egos were a defense mechanism for me. i would behave as one, and then be able to absolve myself of whatever i'd done by telling myself that it wasn't REALLY me. one day, however, i finally took a real look at my life and decided to see a hynotherapist. i told him i wanted to become a fully integrated being and get rid of those old ways and old characters who weren't serving me, who were destroying my relationships, my career, my life. i'm not totally sure what this guy did, but i do remember that he asked me right before he put me under which one i'd like to integrate into, or if i'd like to pick a different name altogether. i said just "jo". straight up. a shorted version of my birth name (johanna), which would be pronounced like the good old hip hop greeting because i'm scandinavian and my "j" has a "y" sound. i figured that way, i could get rid of the brat, get rid of goody two shoes miss g, but keep the more grounded aspects of jomega, and therefore create a whole new character that would still be more, just on another higher level.
i think it's worked so far. i haven't flip flopped between characters for quite some time (over a year now), and i feel really stable. i still use the name "jomega" for performing, and recording my music, but i now know the difference between her and me. she's a stage persona. nothing more.
as for the racing thoughts, those have disappeared with lithium. my energy levels are lower than they used to be, and so are my creativity levels. however, i find that the ideas and creative impulses that DO come are much more realistic, and things i can actually follow through on. i used to find myself doing absolutely crazy things like trying to gather materials to paint my town's cafe baby blue and decorate the whole building like a boat. now, i paint on my own canvas, in my own home, at a nice pace, and i actually finish projects.
i definitely don't miss my mania. i like being able to sit calmly and read a book for extended periods of time. i enjoy talking to my friends and not changing the topic every six seconds. i like being able to listen to them. i like my one-track mind. i like being one character. i like being a person who doesn't blame things on her other personalities.
the one thing that does make me sad, however, is facing the fact that a lot of my plans from the past few years are grandiose. it's feels almost like grieving to have to let go of certain things that just aren't doable, but i truly hope that in doing so, i'll just make room for more possibilities, possibilities that are grounded in reality and therefore way more likely to come to fruition.
=)
jo. -
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Re: like mania?
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 3:26 PMiam the same jo ... and i am now in such a state ... i am so sick of living like a gypsy, losing my family in the northern hemisphere .. losing my possessions, having others rifling thru my stuff ...
and the pms is soo fucking bad ... the crash of hypomania, the vomiting from the addition of abilify, the fact that io cant get any weed to stop the vomiting because of the harshness of the climes in this cuntry ... i hate where i am so much ... noone here gets it ... noone here hates australia with the passion i do, and is forced to stay ... i cant leave my dog ... i have so few savings, my scholarehsip is crap ...
i just hate where i am, and this vomiting and nausea ... what do you do about that??? -
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Re: like mania?
Fri, March 21, 2008 - 4:25 PMEwwww abilify ... that stuff is harsh ....
try topamax or neurontin or whatever those are called in aust .
lamictal or whatever.
hell i dunno -
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Re: like mania?
Sat, March 22, 2008 - 7:43 AMi'm on lamictal ...
the abilify is just for occasional use ...
but i wont be taking it for a while again ...
neurontine is dreadful for me ... that and zyprexa were the worst things i have ever had ...
thnx tho sweetie ...
i went for a surf today, helped blow the cobwebs away ... -
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Re: like mania?
Mon, March 24, 2008 - 5:59 PMwell, i can't quite relate to the vomiting and such, but i sure can relate to being trapped in one's country, and hating it at times.
i recently (during a total fit) misplaced my birth certificate, my canadian citizenship card (i was born in scotland), AND my passport. ugh. the amount of money it's going to cost for reprints and reapplications is ridiculous. sometimes i think about getting a dog, because, well, i'm trapped and not going anywhere soon, so why not?
but
i figure if i'm not sane enough to hold onto my identification, i'm probably not really dog-owning material.
anyways, i hope you feel better. good on you for gettting into the surf. mama ocean is just about the only thing saving me on a daily basis right now. so cleansing, so clearing.
jo.
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