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stuck

topic posted Fri, January 16, 2009 - 5:00 PM by  love,cat
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I have been stuck in a very deep depression for about a month now. I miss my manic cycle! I just can't seem to get up and get moving. My mind is going in circles of self-hatred. I call this the "pain glitch". I have not been taking proper care of myself and my brain. I am stuck in this sense of "not deserving" to feel better and finding new ways to self-harm. Like joining this one forum and setting myself up to be criticized, then I feel just sick unto death when I read the heartless responses. I am having the hardest time sleeping, getting outside, exercising, staying away from alcohol, doing my daily meditation regimen....I have just plain let myself go.

So I am trying again every minute. Today I at least got up and did a little housework. My pet chicken died yesterday and I am afraid to go outside because i get so sad. I ran a few errands today, which I have to praise myself for because I am seriously getting the shut-in syndrome going here. However I suffered some paralyzing moments, glazed-eyed in the supermarket wondering where the fuck I was, wondering if I would fall down in a faint. I hate having panic attacks in front of my kids, I feel like a freaking wreck!

I feel a strong need for love, huge buckets of love!
posted by:
love,cat
Los Angeles
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  • Re: stuck

    Fri, January 16, 2009 - 6:05 PM
    ive recently broken up with someone of 3.5 years ...
    im a dark depressed mess for most part .
    sigh .
    trying to follow my own advice but the fierce cold weather that we have here right is hampering my recovery ...
    • Re: stuck

      Fri, January 16, 2009 - 6:11 PM
      Just reading your post SynerGy. One thing is sure about people - no one is strong all of the time. Regardless of the challagners one faces, everyone has their ups and downs.

      Sorry to hear about your GF. Alway tough. I hope you manage to move beyond the dark place you are in as soon as you are can, but sounds like you have a good reason to be sad, so I would not be super hard on yourself about it...
      • Re: stuck

        Fri, January 16, 2009 - 6:48 PM
        i feel like a lost soul, hung out to freeze dry
        i miss her energy, her physical presence (this is the first friday pm that I wont see her in 3+ years )
        psychin' me out
        intermittently tearful .
        blah .

        having some yerba mate right now, trying to chase some of the blues outta my skull

        : (((