I have been stuck in a very deep depression for about a month now. I miss my manic cycle! I just can't seem to get up and get moving. My mind is going in circles of self-hatred. I call this the "pain glitch". I have not been taking proper care of myself and my brain. I am stuck in this sense of "not deserving" to feel better and finding new ways to self-harm. Like joining this one forum and setting myself up to be criticized, then I feel just sick unto death when I read the heartless responses. I am having the hardest time sleeping, getting outside, exercising, staying away from alcohol, doing my daily meditation regimen....I have just plain let myself go.

So I am trying again every minute. Today I at least got up and did a little housework. My pet chicken died yesterday and I am afraid to go outside because i get so sad. I ran a few errands today, which I have to praise myself for because I am seriously getting the shut-in syndrome going here. However I suffered some paralyzing moments, glazed-eyed in the supermarket wondering where the fuck I was, wondering if I would fall down in a faint. I hate having panic attacks in front of my kids, I feel like a freaking wreck!

I feel a strong need for love, huge buckets of love!